Another day when i couldn't hold my tears any longer.

Its been 5 months hasn't it? Well, nearly. Time does pass faster than we think. I'm fine ,really. Ten chin-ups and i'll be good as new wouldn't I? I did try, just somehow, imprinting and liking or loving is not the same. Now i know.

And i thought, 3 years more, that's easy. But i didn't think about you didn't i? Yeah, i have to admit, i did think about the future with you. I know it sounds stupid. But, yeah. If you are reading this, please note, i'm not trying to make you feel guilty. Its a free country. I don't blame you. I'm not the only girl in the world, and i'm not even 1/1000000 of all the beautiful girls. That's why i don't have the potential to make you stay.

I'm just an ordinary girl, i'm not pretty and i'm pessimistic. You can know it from the statement i made before the fact that i said i'm pessimistic. LOL. Okay, i fell in love with someone. And i don't wish it to end happily ever after, because i hope it wouldn't end. LOL. I didn't know falling in love was such a hard thing. That is, when things start to go wrong and both begins to fight. It was like a fairy tale at first, but when it gets to the ending, its like you wish you never fell in love before. From this, i learnt a lesson. Guys are seriously never trustworthy. No offence to all the guys but, this is my lesson.

Did you know when you told me you had something to say, I got ready for it. I knew this was coming, but i just didn't want to accept it. And when you finally said those words, i felt as if my world had been torn apart. Half of me wanted to beg you so that we could start all over again, half of me felt like just dropping dead. I don't wanna do stupid stuff that would hurt my family or friends, that's why. But of course, you're afraid, now i realized. I finally realized what bothered you the most. ME. Isn't it? Don't waste my time? I never thought this was called wasting time. Suddenly don't feel like replying? Whoaa. YOu caught me. Would your friends come and find me if i said no more feel ? I don't know. Its up to them. But i hope they wouldn't.

I don't know who invented broke up. I don't know who invented crying. I don't know, who invented LOVE. But that's the point isn't it, without love, this world is nothing. Without love, there wuoldn't be happiness. Without happiness, there wouldn't be fun or laughter. So in whatever we do, there's love. But i wish that, no matter how, if u have met ur MRS RIGHT, i hope you will be happy. =) and you'll treat her well. And, you know,although you're imperfect, that's what makes you perfect. And, try not be so blunt next time. You'll hurt the ppl you love, or the ppl who loves you. I realized i loved you alot, maybe even more than my life, and i even thought the future with you. Kinda ironic when i think back. But, there's no point in going back right? I never wanted a relationship with you, really. Its actually you, but, its nobody's fault now. So, no point accusing.

Just remember, when you feel so tired in life, don't forget i love you. Now and always. No matter is it in friendship or real love. When you feel like nobody loves you, think of me. =) just one favour, pls let me see you smile. That's all i need. =) anyway, byee. I'll just be, a normal me again. i guess.

Remember, I Love You.

No matter what.

Now and Always.

=)

Smile Joan,

Its gonna be okay.=)

FISH YOU!

Okay, now i am positively sure that you are looking for death. Why? Are you afraid that you won't die of asthma? Oh, don't gimme that i-don't-want-to-hurt reason. Okay, lemme get this straight, you don't want HER to get hurt when you die, but you want the other HER to get hurt huh? Wow, that is like so romantic. But anyway, you're not making a movie puh-lease, do not be so melodramatic. So why don't you cut the drama and just say it in her face and lemme have a go at you huh? Oh i'll tell you what, i'm kicking your ass if you come crawling back to HER. i'm gonna make you suffer and go through what sh'e been through. Oh yeah, don't think just because i'm a girl i don't dare to fight you, no, i'm not acting heroic. I'm seriously warning you. You said those 2 painful words, YOU SAID IT. So don't come looking for her or i'm gonna be so sorry for your mommy that she has to wash your clothes cuz ''SHE'' is gonna puke RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, ON YOU. Geddit?

Oh yeah, i told you to keep your promise right? I warned you. And what did you let me see today? I saw you walking her home! You let me see this?!! Omg, i'm having a sore eye. You know what? If u ever read this post, i hope you know that you're an asshole! == . What place to i own to scold you, i have the place that is when-you-hurt-my-friend,i'm-kicking-your-ass. So this sentence pretty much gives you the hint doesn't it? I hope you don't detect a note of sarcasm in it, because there isn't. So anyway, i've got a lot of things to say. but i don't want to bring it out. GAHH.

this post is for the brat, jerk, who has crossed some forbidden line ,violated an unwritten law of the social order. LOL!!==...

Cuz the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.

Okay guys, nothing. LOL. I have absolutely no idea on what to say. Okay fine, i'll just say what's on my mind.

To someone, if you ever read this post, i hope you have ''benefited'' from it.

you know , she loves you alot . Everyday she comes back and tell me , I love him very much . I could see that she will be happy if she is with you , that's why i told her to open up her feelings to you . And she did , i could tell she'd been happy whenever she was with you , its just that , you were always so negative thinking , she tries her best to comfort you . But , you never knew . you never knew that you had so much , she never gets frustrated with you . And one day , out of the blue , you just said "break up" this 2 words to her . Yo man , are you looking for your death sentence?! LOL. okay , i'll just...carry on . Okay , did you know , when you said those words to her , you might have hurt her...she was deeply hurt. I had the urge to go and ''negotiate'' with you, confront you and demand what 's your problem , because you promised me something , YOU promised me, that you would NEVER EVER hurt her . And now , look at what you've done , JUST LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE . YOU LEFT HER to pick up the pieces , YOU left her to go through this alone , while YOU were walking with another girl?! Although i don't know what happened , if you ever do get back with her again , i'll take precautions . I won't be spying on you guys , i'll just be careful . Because if you ever repeat the mistake , trust me dude, you won't like it when Lam's pressing you and karhoe's scary cool moves(LOL!! i'm serious) and my powerful flying kick. Nah, i'm just kidding ..i don't know what i'll do. But i'm sure Kar hoe and yuesum will lemme have a go at you. UNDERSTOOD?! good. problem solved. * dust hands.

p/s: rmb your promise: NEVER HURT HER.

Geez...

Okay, its the end of exams~~~ yeah yeah , i know you know..i just wanna rejoice the fact again. LOL! So anyway, since its the end of exams..we kinda gone high for a while. Last friday, the prefects were playing until we were practically laughing our ass off! Everytime the juniors came into BP, the guys will always scare them, which i could see they were scared outta their wits. haha!

Not really any interesting stuffs happened..but, i got back my results. OMG. IT SUCKS LIKE HELL. here are the results: (drum roll)TADAA! okay, scroll down. =.=

BC:80(its the first time i got an A in 3 years)
BI:82 ONLY.
KH:73(and i was just this CLOSE to getting A!!!)
Science:i dunno..i think i'll pass ONLY)
Maths: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.
Sivik: DUNNO.
Moral: GAHH!
Seni: 78.
i forgotten others.
LOL

anyway,gtg. byee! =)

When i look at you...

Yeah, its the end of exams. Woohoo!! The taste of freedom is great! Haha.. Well, i'm pretty sure i won't really get REALLY good marks for ANY subjects. Sigh. Wonder how am i gonna face my mom. Uh-oh, i guess she won't half kill me. :( Ahh, but i'm really not in the mood to actually bother about that. Okay, maybe i am, because i just remembered that teacher is probably gonna give back our results today. Oops. Aww man! This is worst than i thought. But like i said, i'm tired of everything. I'm tired of bothering those stuffs that i probably can't handle, but i want to, because it means so much to me. I try to give up, i really tried, but i'm afraid it'll take longer time than my heart to heal. I know time heals it all, but, CAN I? I mean, it really isn't about whether i want or not, its whether i CAN or not.

I know, you'll say this is for the best. And it is, it really is. So i'm not gonna say "i can't live without you" these kind of stupid love thingys. I really don't know why people say that, yeah, it hurts, but it probably won't reach till there.. Or maybe it does. I know, at this time, studies first. I fully grasped the concept,but, its just so hard, everytime i read the old msgs you sent, it makes me feel like crying, but i won't and can't, because i made a promise to sweelynn that i'll be strong, she probably has enough worries to worry about. I don't want to burden her anymore, so i guess i'll just, TRY again. Harder this time. Nothing is impossible. But how?! the feelings are still as strong as it is. I...i don't know what to think anymore. Its not as easy as ABC. And i guess i could say that, this may be the first time i feel the desire to own something. I won't say ''your love is my drug''like Kesha's song, okay, maybe at first its like my habit of waiting for your msg..but, to think it would be all gone, i put my head between my hands and cry. I won't deny the fact that i cried now, because, i'm afraid i would explode like a japanese bomb one day. I would hurt the people i love, and for me, one person getting hurt would be enough.

Maybe its me who think so much, but i can't help wondering, who am i to you? I know you told me the answer, and it isn't what i expected, but, is it true? I mean, i really am starting to wonder what part about me that you like. I'm not pretty, i don't have a model size or height body, i'm not smart. I don't know, you know? Was it all a show? I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what i'm thinking anymore. Right now, my hands are just moving on their own accord. My mind is positively blank, so it must be my feelings typing these things out. I just Don't want to care anymore. I'm really very tired. I'm tired of cracking my brains to think of things to talk about, of not letting the tension be so thick, i'm tired of pretending nothing is wrong when everything is wrong; i'm tired of saying okay when its totally not. I'm tired of lol , ok, O, then these words! i'm not a robot, please, understand me.

I don't want a relationship, i just want to know that you care for me. I don't want any present for my birthday, i just want to know you're safe everyday. I don't want to talk when we're alone, i want to hear your heartbeat. Its enough for me.

When my world is falling apart,

when there's no light to break up the dark,

that's when I , I , I look at you.

When the waves are flooding the shore,

and i can't find my way home anymore,

that's when I , I , I look at you.

A visit to the hospital.

So while i was studying, mom asked me and sis if we wanted to come along to visit an uncle who was admitted into the hospital. I didn't really want to go because i knew i was weak, i can't really take it. But in the end, i went. It took us quite a long time to reach, cuz we took the wrong turning the first time. So, yeah..we reached. Went up the lift, went to his room. At first, when i walked in the door, i saw an old man, he looked quite strong but he didn't look like how i remembered him. But instead, he pointed to another bed. Surprised, i looked at where he pointed. And then, i saw. I saw my uncle. He had shrinked due to the fact that he couldn't eat as his stomach refuses to take in any food. His skin was all wrinkled up. He slept with his mouth slight opened. I couldn't believe it. No..this can't be happening..i wanted to walk there..but my feet was stucked to the ground, i froze at that spot.

I saw my cousin sister coming in view. She looked weary and she looked haggard. I felt as if someone just squeezed my heart. Everything inside me was churning. I wanted to scream and run away. As if this was a bad nightmare, but it isn't. This uncle, who taught me chinese since i was small, was lying here, in this white room, filled with the smell of anesthetic, on a white bed. I felt tears welling up, but i don't want to cry. No tin front od everyone, and then, my cousin sis woke him up. He looked up and gave me a toothy grin(he lost a few teeth). I smiled back. in my heart, i hope this was really a nightmare. But, i know, no use denying the fact when i know it is true. And then, i smelled ...something.he wetted his pants again. And as soon as they were gettin ready to clean him up, me and my sis walked out. I walked out cuz i didn't want the uncle to feel embarrassed. But my sis couldn't bear the stench. I could, and i would help if i could, but, yeah..its not such a good idea. And while they were cleaning him up, i couldn't bear it any longer. I walked out of the ward, and walked along the corridoors. There, i faced the window and cried. I couldn't believe this was happening. I only hope this is not going to turn out like my cousin bro. I stopped crying whenever somebody passed by. next, i know that crying won't help my cousin sis, i went to the latrine and slashed some water to my face. Smiling at the mirror(LOL!!) i went out. It was the least i could do, being cheerful. Cuz what she needs now is support. And i want to help. So i walked back in with a little skip and hop here and there. But from my sis face, i could tell that she knows i've been crying. But if she knew, she showed no sign of it. And i was grateful for that.

I looked at my cousin sis, she was so weary and haggard. But she still do what a daughter should do. She's taking care of her dad. Suddenly, i felt that, what i've been feeling lately stand no chance to fight with hers. She had to take care of so many things all at once. But me, exam exam and exam. SO what? Exam's not a big deal. I know. SO what if the relationship doesn't work out? But it means a lot to me, So i'm taking back the ''so what if the relationship doesn't work out". but sometimes, i don't know why i struggle so hard. To me, it looks like he doesn't give a damn about it. But i want this to work out, not just end like this. Okay, way out of topic. Ha..um..yeah, that's just about my day. I went home around 8 and just had a hot drink.. chatted for a while..then start studying cuz someone wants to sleep. So i studied around 11 something to 12..then went to sleep. Immediately, i fell asleep. I don't need to toss and turn around for hours only falling asleep.

SO anyway, i have exam today too. LOL. MOm's school is having a holiday, so she went to help out in the hospital. I hope i could go..but, some things are holding me back. EXAMS!!.

BYEE!!=)

April Fool's day. LOL.

yeah, well..i'm kinda busy studying these few days so i didn't exactly blog on the exact day of april fool. LOL. So, today,i was supposed to bring my caligraphy things , but in the end? I forgotten!! OH shit!! Then, while i was on the day to school , somebody asked me, did you bring caligraphy things? And then i was like, OMG!! I didn't bring it!! SHIT!! and everybody heard me saying shit. =.= oops.

then ran into school . yeah, RAN. Found cheeching and asked her, did she bring her caligraphy things? As usual, she didn't. Why as usual? Cuz last year, she never brought except for the last time of exam. LOL. So,she went to buy, and i bought the ink and borrowed the writing pen from SuetZhi. And i thought , problem solved. Oh well, little did i know. So, while we were having exam, i started to write and out of the blue, the head came out of the body. So there were two parts and i was shocked that my mouth opened up. I nearly shouted "HOLY COW" but could do away with the attention, for now. LOL. so i raised my hand and the teacher came , thought i needed more paper, but when i showed her she was like, oh..waddya wanna do? And then i was stunned because she asked..yeah, she's ms yap. not 'somebody'. If its 'somebody', she sure as hell won't give a damn about it. LOL. SO in the end borrowed. When the exam finished, some ppl told me,

WAH!! YOUR PEN PLAY APRIL FOOL WITH YOU AR? HAHAHA...=.=

haha~~very funny. =.= NOT. yeah i know i'm not being a sport, but i was so nervous that it was a wonder i didn't wet my pants at that spot. LOL! Literally...=.=.and then, i'll just skip everything and let's move on to the weekends.

I went to popular due to the fact that my sis wants to buy some books. LOL. As in, revision books. As i was pretty confident about NOT FAILING ANYTHING IN THIS EXAM, i went to look around in the stories section . A few caught my eye but wasn't really feeling the urge to buy them . And then walked walked walked, guess who i saw? WOO CHUN HONG!! OMG!! I quickly hide behind the shelves and suddenly, saw another sentosarian there. OMG..the whole bookstore full of sentosarians!! then, ran to another place and hide..then keep running around like sorpo playing ''catch catch'' sendiri. Syok sendiri. LOL. in the end, came out of ''hiding''. LAWL. and then, went to look at some books again, this time, i saw... NICHOLAS SPARKS series!! I had to use all the strength i had to keep myself from shouting out ''OH MAI GADDD". LOL. a girl gave me a weird look . i glared back at her using a ''what are you looking at'' glare. LOL.=.=. she just walked away. SAD. haha. SO anyway, i practically dragged my mom to have a look at the books, my mom just told me, okay..choose which one you want. And i chose..yeah, how can a mom bare to refuse her own baby daughter...XD. haha..in the end, my sickness came back. I can't make a decision, my mom told me to buy every of his book if i have to, but, i didn't want to buy so much at that time, cuz, i know that i'm gonna neglect my school work and read until i drop . LOL. So, i bought his "Message In A Bottle" and " A Bend In The Road" . And then, i spent so much time choosing the most perfect one, without scratches and stuff, but the worker! SHe just opened the book so big!! I nearly cried at the spot! Yeah, i'm a cry baby. So what? =.= And then, i just walk off..and being in a VERY bad mood on the way home. Mom didn't really talk about it. Until we reached home. MOm was telling dad about what happened and i just cried. Yeah, you heard me right, i just cried. SAt down and cried. Mom and dad comfort me but my sis just said, crazy..==''. I didn't want to talk to her, she always did that to me. LOL. End of story, i can't talk about it anymore, i'll get pissed off again and cry. LOL.

So yeah..that's the end, of the story..=) or blog..=.=.. or post. =.="!
Byee..=]