Okay, first things first, i'm really sorry for not updating my blog. Its kinda impossible for me to use the computer nowadays, let alone go on net. Why? Because my house is currently on renovation, and i've practically brought all these electrical devices into my pig-sty room. And because the only thing that can entertain me is my cell phone, i've been using it quite a lot, so the battery runs out at an incredible speed. -,- Trust me, i've been gritting my teeth over this issue.
So anyway, i just felt like blogging today because... well.. i'm not sure. I feel like lately, i'm always so edgy, and i tend to fight back. The urge of winning is stronger than anything. Yes, i do wonder if something is wrong with me. I get so worked up on small matters and get jumpy with everything. For instance, yesterday... i saw something that bothered me quite annoyingly, i was irritated. But i kept on telling myself. He's just being friendly. No biggie. But in the end, it got to me. I won't deny it, yes, i was angry. I was uncomfortable. I wasn't feeling safe. But most important,i'm afraid. Of what, i don't know. How many times had i been assured that i won't be alone, that i don't need to worry? I know, perhaps if i'm thinking this way, it means i have no faith. Yes, i do admit, perhaps i have been so close to him that i did not care about how you REALLY feel, i shrugged away any feeling that you wouldn't feel uncomfortable, thinking that you would understand it. But perhaps i was wrong, as always.
The whole point of this post, is i don't know too. Maybe i wanted to get things straight. That yes, i love him. But as a friend, a very good friend, my best friend. And it ends there. Whatever your friends say, i don't care, and i hope you don't care too. I just want you to know, whatever happened yesterday, it was mostly my fault. I was narrow-minded. My mood swings are terrible and i suck at self-control. I didn't want to admit that MAYBE you were right, i wanted to win, i guess. Its two different case. I was hoping that maybe you would get tired of me and just leave me, so i can have a reason to cry without seeming like a cry-baby. But no, you were always so patient. So caring, although you're not really perfect, but to me, its these imperfections that made you so perfect that for the briefest moment, i thought you were perhaps a guardian angel sent from God. Which made me so mad at you. Pretty ironic huh? Yeah, i know, i'm this idiotic fool who doesn't know what she has. Sweelynn told me countless times that she envied me that i got someone like you. Wow, if you're reading this, you must be silently laughing to yourself. ;D i know you are. Ahaha. ;)
So i just wanna end this post, to let you know, thanks for understanding me. For tolerating my barely tolerable attitude. Gosh, what did i do to deserve someone like you. XD
