Oh well, i just viewed everything about him.
And start crying again.
Gawd, this sure is killing me.
I'm not allowed to view things about him.
but, i just can't stop myself viewing it.
I really liked him.
I didn't want anything from him.
I know if i think anymore i'm gonna go mad sooner or later.

I love you,

I always did.

I'm disappointed in you.

this is gonna be my new organ. I can't wait for it.. but, i'll miss my old organ a lot too. T.T

I went to school early today, and ...wow. I just reached school and i met him. Not quite what i expected. =.= but anyway, went to the office to find a teacher then later walk out again. LOL. The morning session was gonna have their recess. LOL. Perfect timing. haha. So anyway, walked into BP, and nicol ask me wanna go jalan jalan i said, yeah sure. So we went, she bought cincau and two stuff still unknown to science. *eww. haha! NO, i'm just fooling around. So i had to wait for her but in the mean time, found PN toh and asked her about some things. teehee. =D i didn't really care if i'm gonna see him, because i know he's gonna think of every single way to hide from me. I'm not woried about that.

Later, had to make another turning because of ''someone''. LOL. hAiz. make my life miserable. LOL. Nearly bumped into him. Hated that moment. I had to pull away first. Anyway, something that i can be proud of, I didn't cry at all. =) see?? i'm strong aren't i? Told ya,but you didn't believe me. X) Rm5 from those who didn't think i could survive~~~~ haha! Later, went to find chaw hui and carolyn, they made me go ask the camera or rechargeable battery or something something...they said she'll know. -.- so whatever, went to look for her, just went outside pandu room, xuezheng just called out to me, nearly shouted HA MI DAI SI back to him, but stopped myself in time. T.T yeah, you're right. HE was there. In the end, nodded to him and remembered that i owed him cuz he lent me his seni folio. So when he walked past i said, about your folio, i gotta borrow a bit longer. Forgotten what he said, because i wasn't paying attention. Or maybe he didn't reply... but, HE never turned back. That left his back. I tried to bang my head at the wall to get the fact INTO my head that things'll never be the same. But why? Why must i be so stubborn? I don't know too. I nearly went mad. I think he grew taller anyway. =P . LOL.

The moon is so full tonight. I keep wondering if he would think of me. But I guess not. I'll tell you the story later. But first, let me tell you about my night. When i got home from school, mom told me to hurry up and bathe because we're going to see the new electone stagea showroom. Well, because, i'm planning to get a new one. Well, it is time to upgrade my organ, i do love my current one. But, well..mom says if we get the stagea later, when we trade, its gonna be very hard.. because the longer its used, the less worth it'll be. The original price of the stagea is 47,5000 i think. Or is it 37,5000?? I dunno, cuz we got both dealers and we're trying to get the best price. So in the end, my music teacher's side got the best price..so we bought from that side. And after we trade in my current electone(EL-900), i think its gonna be...i dunno. LOL. Cuz i'm not pretty sure about the price too. Phew..but this is new stagea sure is gonna do a lot of things for me, and now we're clearing the backroom so we can fit the stagea in there. GEE...it is hard. Clearing the storeroom was never easy. -.-

And after we've signed all those stuff, we went back home. MOM and dad dropped me and my sis off and go pak to. T.T haha! zadao! Nah, i'm just kidding, they went to the supermarket to buy things...dunno what. =.= so i on the computer because there was homework to do, and of course when you on the comp, its kinda hard to resist online-ing..=.= as soon as i onlined, there was this sign that said, i appear offline, do i wanna appear online,i pressed enter!! OMGG..LOL. actually i wanted to change back to appear offline, but something stopped me. i hesitated before saying hi, little did i know...he was....occupied. I let him have the last word. Twice. I can't believe i'm that speechless when i'm facing him. GAHH! and his last word was ''fine''. I'm tired of lying ''i'm fine i'm fine''. ''No, i'm not gonna cry over that jerk.'' cuz in the end, i'll just end up having to hold my tears and going back home to cry. and mom's gonna ask why which will be hard for me to answer. I'm afraid i just won't be the same JOAN i was anymore. Its hard to be cheerful when i don't have the mood. Which i seldom have these days.

If you ever read this, please remember that i really am not trying to make you guilty. because you've done your part. I should be doing my part too. I won't force you..because i know what you want. We have different goals in life, and for our goals we are running apart from each other, and ... yeah. i guess it'll never work out for you. But i just wanna know, isn't there any chance to be together anymore? I know i'm holding on to the past, but.................i don't wanna live with regrets too. T.T

School day: Monday

I'm afraid of walking alone. I want you by my side.

Another week has gone pass. The feelings haven't subside. I wonder how long will it take me to FULLY recover. I eat normally now. (i'm eating and typing at the moment, normal?==") and i do sleep now. Honestly, but i always wake up at 5 o'clock. Why? I have absolutely no idea. Gosh, its killing me to see myself nowadays. I look terrible. My eye bags are getting worse, i'm having black eyes too. Like a panda girl. Geez, no wonder i hate looking into mirrors nowadays. Well, i was never a big fan of mirrors. So yeah. You get the picture. =.=

Anyway, just brief you guys about my week last week, and probably yesterday. Okay, this was...i think last last last week stuffs. We (min yu, yinglee, yonghan and me) were playing Truth or Truth because well, the teacher was a crazy "OWL" who says I all the time. Know who? Yes? Good. Haha. So while we were playing, the tension was quite thick. Haha. Not exactly, just that, we were very serious. Even Min yu is serious. Wow. I never thought i'd live to see the day he was serious. XD oops. And so, skip skip skip, they asked me who i liked and i told them. LOL. i'm clever enough. So, those who know i'm clever will know what i said. LOL !! And later, Our BELOVED DANIEL LING came back!!! AHHH!!! LOL. And then yonghan told him what questions we asked. And all of us promised that what is said cannot be repeated to other people. so blah blah blah. Daniel keep asking me who i like, and i didn't want to tell him, cuz its gonna be the hottest gossip of the universe (i think). LOL! nah, just kidding. So i kept giving him clues and later he ask is it this block..then i hesitated and said, yes. Then it was like he wanted to ask more, but i said, HEY, THAT'S A HUGE CLUE. and then Woo CHun Hong said,

"wAhh, huge clue weihs, huge clue, wah 英文哩。。wah..ehh, 什么是huge clue?"( he asked the person beside him.)

OMGGG!!! ROFLMAO!! hahahaha. and then another thing, ying lee and i were talking about ''somebody'' who betrayed her friend, (LOL)! and then i told ying lee something that she reacted quite...well. You know what, so she said, (PN LAU WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF US)

"yerh! 酱坏的她！如果是我，我早就一巴盖下去了！！"

and then the teacher stared at us. I snorted and began to laugh. Ying lee looked horrified and said, ''sorry teacher sorry teacher...." omggg!!!! it was so damn funny!! but the teacher didn't say anything..she just raised an eyebrow and walked away. Ohmyholygosh..haha!! It happened on a thursday i remember. Haha.

Nothing really happened yesterday. All i can remember is the time when he looked at me. I keep replaying the scene when our eyes met. I tried to focus on the things teacher was saying, alas, i lost myself again. Gahh. It just hurts me to know that he's the one who turns away always. And now, i have to turn away before he turns, because i can't bear it when he's the one who turns away first. T.T

So anyway, i hope you've enjoyed my post. LOL. even though it was quite boring i suppose. I'll try to be more myself, so i could bring joy and laughter in class. HAha.Byee!! =)

24th of April. Busy day.

Guess who?! XD Hey guys, rmb the joke?? haha!


Its the birthday girl!! Tadaa!!! XD


Me feeding her. LOL.

LOL!

Now this, when i was setting the timer, all of them were nibbling it. OMgg!! caught ya!! haha!

I ran so fast to my place that i thought i ran faster than lightning. HAHA!

I took the 1st and tried. Its like a round mini chocolate cake. =P

LOL. only melanie ada makan. XD

they help us take, we help them take. haha!

Shoot #1

Shoot #2 . haha.

YOu know, while taking this pic, 3 of us were sucking up the water together. haha!

then 3 of them. see?? siao suan and mel so good, get to drink so many times. ahaha!!!

Me and the birthday girl. XD

3 of us, cheeching just add in. HAHA! funny!!

Okay, to start this...this..WONDERFUL day, I went to school as we had cross-country race. Melanie they all didn't go, so that left me alone. GAHH. LOL. Anyways, i had to drag myself up and before i took the first step, i banged into the wall. Gee, it really is a wonderful way to start the day. =.= OKay okay, to shorten the whole story, the end. Haha, nah, i'm just fooling around. Um.. okay, i reached school, saw Selena and she said she wanted to find Pn Toh. Okay, so i just let her go and i went to Bilik Pandu. WHY? because i brought my phone. LOL. its not exactly illegal, its just that we weren't encouraged to bring it. But anyway, when i was on the way, i saw him. But i pretended that we were just strangers walking past each other. =.= Later that, i was given the duty to carry boxes of water to give out to the students. LOL. Finish that, we sat there and wait. For the people to come back. ==".

Saw him countless times, tried to breathe deeply, but in the end, i forgot how to breathe again. Oh man. But whatever. Later when the crowds start coming back, i was busy handing out the water bottles. I didn't see him come back, and then when i turned my head, i saw him panting. Well, good to know that he's back. I kept on giving out waters, and then i only realize someone was stalking me. I went to the crowds and fit in. LOL. Later, tried to play a fool on my sis, little did i know, he was there. Oh well. You will notice that this whole post is nearly about him.. well, because, nothing. Just playing a fool. =.= Its just that i can't help looking for him, whenever he is not near me. Oh whatever. Later, really saw him LOADS OF times, even sometimes just standing in front of me. GAhh. =.= then, okay, giving out prizes, he got a prize too. congratz. =P

Later, my sis they all wanted to go to pizza hut for a pandu meeting. its about our pameran. LOL. skip skip skip. before we went, we waited for vivian to change to a t shirt. While waiting, i entertained myself by playing Lor Jian Sheng's phone. The racing car game . That's so fun. LOL. but i keep losing. LOL.=.= but whatever. Vivian came out, so we walked out of the school. Okay okay, then while we were passing the jambatan...saw someone..was being 38 too..=.= skip skip skip.finally reached, saw andrew they all there. LOL. Bock and kahyee too. Then, mom came and fetch me because i had another event to attend. So went home, bathe and stuff. Bla bla bla. 1.30p.m went out again. LOL. TO?? CHEE CHING'S BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!! =)

Reached 100 degree(100度). LOL Just beside paparich. WALAO. i so scared later XXX come out beat me. haha, LOL anyway, sat down and 38 a while only that Melanie come. =.= so we start to order and all those. Later when out soup all come then Melanie went out. Dunno do what lehh?? HOR??=.= anyway, our food came out. and we were not at all ladylike, all of us took banyak banyak food. Then when Melanie came back..Oops. nothing to makan. HAHA! No la, just not much varirety to choose from. omgg! so damn funny!! haha. so anyway, while i was cooking halfway, um...my soup was half porridge ,so...it got burnt. HAHA. omgg..that time we were laughing our heads off about it! but nevermind, that person changed it for me. so after we eat finish, we brought out the cake!!! And then we sang happy birthday song to cheeching. Who cares what people think of us. WE ARE THE WORLD~~ lol. okay, cut the crap. After blowing candle, all of fed her a mouth of cake. I wanted her to eat the chocolate part of the cake. haha!LOL . then...took pictures. XD haha! Around 4 o'clock, i had to go because i had music class. Music class was okay, just that probably i was thinking too much and mixed up all my songs. Gahh. =.=

That's the end of the day!! =) thank you for ''listening''!! XD

End of the week. Thank GOD!!! =.=

Well , its been a week . And amazingly , i've survived . LOL. It is hard, but I'd gone through it. And i thought i would never recover from being ''LOVE SICK''. Gahh.. =.= though i still have trouble sleeping (and i'm having eye bags!! T.T) but, i could eat now.

To make this post interesting, i've got some things to tell you guys. Um, this week, loads of things happened. 2 guys ask me to accept them at the same time. I told one of them i can't, so that's that. Hope he gave up *please please please . The OTHER one, well, quite a hard nut. =.= He asked me if i was single. And i said yes, single but unavailable. Whatever. I thought he would go away, little did i know, he sticked like a leech to me. =.= gahh! and what happened today was, when i finish tugas and grabbed my bag from BP, and i went back class, i saw something on my table. =.= it was in black big fonts. like this:

JOAN, I LOVE YOU.

I was honestly stunned. ARGHH!!!! Ohmygoodness!! GOD BLESS ME!!! =.=i honestly have a big fan. And everyone in class was teasing me about it. =.= And and and, that ''somebody'' told everyone!!!! OH my GOSH. anyway, gotta go, tell you guys more about it next time! =) =.=LOOL!!!

The 5th day I've survived without him.

Its been 5 days. We didn't sms. We didn't see each other. Wait, i did see him yesterday. LOL. I wanted to go over and ask, why did you do that? I wanted to believe that all of it was just a bad nightmare. But when i look back, the visions are so vivid. I'd shiver at the thoughts, when i flash back to the old memories, i hated myself. I hated myself for falling for you. I hated myself believing you were the one. I hated myself for being too truthful. Maybe people were right, when it comes to love, some things are better kept as secret than said out loud. You hurt me 2 times. But still, i love you. Everyday when i come to school, i pray that you'll never see me. But i wish that i could see you.

To tell the truth, yesterday, wednesday, when all of his friends came into BP, i honestly thought he was coming in too. I was thinking should i run out in case he came in, but i figured that we would see each other if i went out. So instead, i ran over to karhoe's side and plead him to tell me what to do. Kar hoe said he saw him walked past. I was devastated. Part of me wanted to go out and tell him, its okay, don't live with regrets. Part of me, were thankful that he didn't come in. Later, i couldn't take it anymore, so i went out to get some fresh air. When i walked pass his friends, they were saying your name. Everytime they said your name, it was like a knife cutting my heart, but i ignored them. I walked quite a distance, and i walked back. I thought they'd all go back to class. I didn't know that he would be there. But i walked in anyway, and sat down. That's when i couldn't take it any longer. I cried for a long time. I didn't want to cry, but i can't help it. I think karhoe was the only one who understood my feelings, because he went through this too. Nicholas they all were fooling around, thanks to them, i felt better too. Yinglee came in later, the juniors told her what happened inside here. GAHH. thanks to them. But she didn't say anything. But later when i felt like crying again, she begged me not to cry. Haha.

Later, we went for taklimat, i saw him. Again. And felt like crying, again. Oh gawd, but i didn't want to cry. Ji qing saw a few tears and tried to distract me. LAter i was quite myself again. All of us pengawas were 38-ing. We played all kinds of games. Like, when we clap all of us clap once and just like domino. I don't think you understand what i say because i don't know how to explain. LOL. And then, we played some stuffs too. Kar yi did a funny thing, cuz yi cheng was holding a something-like-fishing-stick thingy that he made himself. And I suppose Kar yi was in a bad mood, so she tore the thing into pieces. OMGG!!! It was so funny. Haha. I didn't look at him at all. Cuz i knew i would cry again. and and and when my enemy went to get her prize, boy! wasn't she proud! i even waved to her. haha. but she didn't see me. Too BAD. XD Oh oh oh, the funny part was when we were suppose to sing the national song, all of us sang. VERY LOUD. and its those wrong key and couldn't stay on key type. Hahahahahaha!

Well, nothing exciting happened. Except when we were having PJ i ask my wife-in-law beli water untuk saya. =.= cuz that time i bo lui and i'm thirsty. My wife-in-law sangat bagus lor. haha. But after he buy, he take the bottle and run, so what can i do? chase him lor. I scared his gf nampak lehh.. later she suruh orang pukul saya. aiyerrh. =.= then he give me the bottle. Phew. fast fast open and drink. Later, someone dared me to ask someone's name(somebody i dunno). LOL. Easy job. =.= muahaha.

I'm going to an Easter Party this weekend. Maybe i'll get to meet new guys and...well..maybe move on. LOL. someone just ask me am i single. You know what i said? I said, single but unavailable. haha. Kinda funny eh? LOL. Yea well, its true. Sigh sigh sigh. Wake up joan, you gotta live your life. You can't just keep on thinking about him. Honestly, he doesn't want you, he dumped you, you should hate him. I know, i wonder why i don't hate him too. T.T maybe its because i can't, not because i don't want. I could have loved him all my life if he hadn't left me in the cold. Nicholas told me, joan, you're not 15 yet, so when people tell you they love you don't believe them. SO does it mean, that when he said i love you these 3 words, he never meant it?

100th post.

I've finally reached my 100th post. I'm suppose to be happy, aren't i? Why can't i be like a normal person and just get over it? Why do i have to suffer so long? Why can't i just be a playgirl who just switches according to the environment? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SUCH A WEAKLING?!

I've spent 3 sleepless nights. I don't have the appetite of eating, whenever i eat, its just for the sake of putting on a show and say i'm normal. I don't know what's happening to me. Everynight i have nightmares, everynight if i have to sleep i have to cry myself to sleep. I've completely lost myself, i try to occupy myself by doing loads of things , but whenever i look at my phone, i missed everything. I know i promised to be a brave girl, but i can't help it when the tears start flowing. I am trying, i really am. I went to help out at our pandu gotong royong with the scouts, i tried to make myself imprint on one of them. But, somehow, like i said, although there were some who were cute, but why can't i just ,''Oh, he's cute, i like him," and then ask him out?(as in, asking for hp number)=.=! I honestly don't know what to think anymore.

I'm afraid of going mad. Everynight, i'm afraid something might happen to me. Everynight, my bedsheets and pillow case are wet. LIke i said, i've lost myself. I've never thought about how i would die, but, what would happen if i went? I wanted to see the world, i wanted to help the world,if i'd gone, i'd only see the world through other things.

My memories were all gone. I can't believe that you just deleted it. But its your blog, i can't say anything. Probably its the best way to let me forget huh? But why? Why did u have to ask ''her'' to help me forget you? I said i would didn't i? Why did you have to do that? I guess this means whatever we had was nothing to you. It was just all a show of toying with my feelings and then throw me away? Like i said, i'm disappointed in you. But i don't want you to live your life full of regrets. Just because of this small thing in your life. You read my blog, you should know what i want from you. Just be happy, just smile..even though when you don't want to, just let me see you smile kay? Let me know, i've done the right choice in trying to let go. That you're happier this way. for me? Please, that's all i ask of you. Thank you. you promise me that, i'll promise you something:

I'll forget you. I'll forget our past. I'll forget everything. Happy?

Deal.

Its over.

I didn't sleep at all last night.
I cried all night.
My eyes hurt.
I dunno whether to accept him.

I hate you,
but love you at the same time.
I don't know whether i want to see you anymore.
I don't want to go to school anymore.

I hate my life.
I'm tired of it.
But i'll still wait.
Although i'm not sure whether u'll change ur feelings again,
but i will wait.
Until f5, u said that. A promise is a promise.
Even though u broke the promise,
I'll keep MY promise.
tHAT'S all.

Byee. =(

It doesn't matter anymore.

You've broke all your promises.

You've broke my heart.

You destroyed everything.

You destroyed my world.

but, in the end?

I still love you.

WHY?!!

I hate you!! I hate you for making me love you!! I hate you for making me hurt so bad! I hate you for making me worry all the time !! I hate you because you're such a coward!! I HATE YOU!

I know i promised to be a brave girl, but i won't promise that i won't be sad. So i'll just cry, and let it all pass. Just like you said, but in the end, I know, what we had, you never really cared right? If you did, text me and say you DID!

Another day when i couldn't hold my tears any longer.

Its been 5 months hasn't it? Well, nearly. Time does pass faster than we think. I'm fine ,really. Ten chin-ups and i'll be good as new wouldn't I? I did try, just somehow, imprinting and liking or loving is not the same. Now i know.

And i thought, 3 years more, that's easy. But i didn't think about you didn't i? Yeah, i have to admit, i did think about the future with you. I know it sounds stupid. But, yeah. If you are reading this, please note, i'm not trying to make you feel guilty. Its a free country. I don't blame you. I'm not the only girl in the world, and i'm not even 1/1000000 of all the beautiful girls. That's why i don't have the potential to make you stay.

I'm just an ordinary girl, i'm not pretty and i'm pessimistic. You can know it from the statement i made before the fact that i said i'm pessimistic. LOL. Okay, i fell in love with someone. And i don't wish it to end happily ever after, because i hope it wouldn't end. LOL. I didn't know falling in love was such a hard thing. That is, when things start to go wrong and both begins to fight. It was like a fairy tale at first, but when it gets to the ending, its like you wish you never fell in love before. From this, i learnt a lesson. Guys are seriously never trustworthy. No offence to all the guys but, this is my lesson.

Did you know when you told me you had something to say, I got ready for it. I knew this was coming, but i just didn't want to accept it. And when you finally said those words, i felt as if my world had been torn apart. Half of me wanted to beg you so that we could start all over again, half of me felt like just dropping dead. I don't wanna do stupid stuff that would hurt my family or friends, that's why. But of course, you're afraid, now i realized. I finally realized what bothered you the most. ME. Isn't it? Don't waste my time? I never thought this was called wasting time. Suddenly don't feel like replying? Whoaa. YOu caught me. Would your friends come and find me if i said no more feel ? I don't know. Its up to them. But i hope they wouldn't.

I don't know who invented broke up. I don't know who invented crying. I don't know, who invented LOVE. But that's the point isn't it, without love, this world is nothing. Without love, there wuoldn't be happiness. Without happiness, there wouldn't be fun or laughter. So in whatever we do, there's love. But i wish that, no matter how, if u have met ur MRS RIGHT, i hope you will be happy. =) and you'll treat her well. And, you know,although you're imperfect, that's what makes you perfect. And, try not be so blunt next time. You'll hurt the ppl you love, or the ppl who loves you. I realized i loved you alot, maybe even more than my life, and i even thought the future with you. Kinda ironic when i think back. But, there's no point in going back right? I never wanted a relationship with you, really. Its actually you, but, its nobody's fault now. So, no point accusing.

Just remember, when you feel so tired in life, don't forget i love you. Now and always. No matter is it in friendship or real love. When you feel like nobody loves you, think of me. =) just one favour, pls let me see you smile. That's all i need. =) anyway, byee. I'll just be, a normal me again. i guess.

Remember, I Love You.

No matter what.

Now and Always.

=)

Smile Joan,

Its gonna be okay.=)

FISH YOU!

Okay, now i am positively sure that you are looking for death. Why? Are you afraid that you won't die of asthma? Oh, don't gimme that i-don't-want-to-hurt reason. Okay, lemme get this straight, you don't want HER to get hurt when you die, but you want the other HER to get hurt huh? Wow, that is like so romantic. But anyway, you're not making a movie puh-lease, do not be so melodramatic. So why don't you cut the drama and just say it in her face and lemme have a go at you huh? Oh i'll tell you what, i'm kicking your ass if you come crawling back to HER. i'm gonna make you suffer and go through what sh'e been through. Oh yeah, don't think just because i'm a girl i don't dare to fight you, no, i'm not acting heroic. I'm seriously warning you. You said those 2 painful words, YOU SAID IT. So don't come looking for her or i'm gonna be so sorry for your mommy that she has to wash your clothes cuz ''SHE'' is gonna puke RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, ON YOU. Geddit?

Oh yeah, i told you to keep your promise right? I warned you. And what did you let me see today? I saw you walking her home! You let me see this?!! Omg, i'm having a sore eye. You know what? If u ever read this post, i hope you know that you're an asshole! == . What place to i own to scold you, i have the place that is when-you-hurt-my-friend,i'm-kicking-your-ass. So this sentence pretty much gives you the hint doesn't it? I hope you don't detect a note of sarcasm in it, because there isn't. So anyway, i've got a lot of things to say. but i don't want to bring it out. GAHH.

this post is for the brat, jerk, who has crossed some forbidden line ,violated an unwritten law of the social order. LOL!!==...

Cuz the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.

Okay guys, nothing. LOL. I have absolutely no idea on what to say. Okay fine, i'll just say what's on my mind.

To someone, if you ever read this post, i hope you have ''benefited'' from it.

you know , she loves you alot . Everyday she comes back and tell me , I love him very much . I could see that she will be happy if she is with you , that's why i told her to open up her feelings to you . And she did , i could tell she'd been happy whenever she was with you , its just that , you were always so negative thinking , she tries her best to comfort you . But , you never knew . you never knew that you had so much , she never gets frustrated with you . And one day , out of the blue , you just said "break up" this 2 words to her . Yo man , are you looking for your death sentence?! LOL. okay , i'll just...carry on . Okay , did you know , when you said those words to her , you might have hurt her...she was deeply hurt. I had the urge to go and ''negotiate'' with you, confront you and demand what 's your problem , because you promised me something , YOU promised me, that you would NEVER EVER hurt her . And now , look at what you've done , JUST LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE . YOU LEFT HER to pick up the pieces , YOU left her to go through this alone , while YOU were walking with another girl?! Although i don't know what happened , if you ever do get back with her again , i'll take precautions . I won't be spying on you guys , i'll just be careful . Because if you ever repeat the mistake , trust me dude, you won't like it when Lam's pressing you and karhoe's scary cool moves(LOL!! i'm serious) and my powerful flying kick. Nah, i'm just kidding ..i don't know what i'll do. But i'm sure Kar hoe and yuesum will lemme have a go at you. UNDERSTOOD?! good. problem solved. * dust hands.

p/s: rmb your promise: NEVER HURT HER.

Geez...

Okay, its the end of exams~~~ yeah yeah , i know you know..i just wanna rejoice the fact again. LOL! So anyway, since its the end of exams..we kinda gone high for a while. Last friday, the prefects were playing until we were practically laughing our ass off! Everytime the juniors came into BP, the guys will always scare them, which i could see they were scared outta their wits. haha!

Not really any interesting stuffs happened..but, i got back my results. OMG. IT SUCKS LIKE HELL. here are the results: (drum roll)TADAA! okay, scroll down. =.=

BC:80(its the first time i got an A in 3 years)
BI:82 ONLY.
KH:73(and i was just this CLOSE to getting A!!!)
Science:i dunno..i think i'll pass ONLY)
Maths: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.
Sivik: DUNNO.
Moral: GAHH!
Seni: 78.
i forgotten others.
LOL

anyway,gtg. byee! =)

When i look at you...

Yeah, its the end of exams. Woohoo!! The taste of freedom is great! Haha.. Well, i'm pretty sure i won't really get REALLY good marks for ANY subjects. Sigh. Wonder how am i gonna face my mom. Uh-oh, i guess she won't half kill me. :( Ahh, but i'm really not in the mood to actually bother about that. Okay, maybe i am, because i just remembered that teacher is probably gonna give back our results today. Oops. Aww man! This is worst than i thought. But like i said, i'm tired of everything. I'm tired of bothering those stuffs that i probably can't handle, but i want to, because it means so much to me. I try to give up, i really tried, but i'm afraid it'll take longer time than my heart to heal. I know time heals it all, but, CAN I? I mean, it really isn't about whether i want or not, its whether i CAN or not.

I know, you'll say this is for the best. And it is, it really is. So i'm not gonna say "i can't live without you" these kind of stupid love thingys. I really don't know why people say that, yeah, it hurts, but it probably won't reach till there.. Or maybe it does. I know, at this time, studies first. I fully grasped the concept,but, its just so hard, everytime i read the old msgs you sent, it makes me feel like crying, but i won't and can't, because i made a promise to sweelynn that i'll be strong, she probably has enough worries to worry about. I don't want to burden her anymore, so i guess i'll just, TRY again. Harder this time. Nothing is impossible. But how?! the feelings are still as strong as it is. I...i don't know what to think anymore. Its not as easy as ABC. And i guess i could say that, this may be the first time i feel the desire to own something. I won't say ''your love is my drug''like Kesha's song, okay, maybe at first its like my habit of waiting for your msg..but, to think it would be all gone, i put my head between my hands and cry. I won't deny the fact that i cried now, because, i'm afraid i would explode like a japanese bomb one day. I would hurt the people i love, and for me, one person getting hurt would be enough.

Maybe its me who think so much, but i can't help wondering, who am i to you? I know you told me the answer, and it isn't what i expected, but, is it true? I mean, i really am starting to wonder what part about me that you like. I'm not pretty, i don't have a model size or height body, i'm not smart. I don't know, you know? Was it all a show? I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what i'm thinking anymore. Right now, my hands are just moving on their own accord. My mind is positively blank, so it must be my feelings typing these things out. I just Don't want to care anymore. I'm really very tired. I'm tired of cracking my brains to think of things to talk about, of not letting the tension be so thick, i'm tired of pretending nothing is wrong when everything is wrong; i'm tired of saying okay when its totally not. I'm tired of lol , ok, O, then these words! i'm not a robot, please, understand me.

I don't want a relationship, i just want to know that you care for me. I don't want any present for my birthday, i just want to know you're safe everyday. I don't want to talk when we're alone, i want to hear your heartbeat. Its enough for me.

When my world is falling apart,

when there's no light to break up the dark,

that's when I , I , I look at you.

When the waves are flooding the shore,

and i can't find my way home anymore,

that's when I , I , I look at you.

A visit to the hospital.

So while i was studying, mom asked me and sis if we wanted to come along to visit an uncle who was admitted into the hospital. I didn't really want to go because i knew i was weak, i can't really take it. But in the end, i went. It took us quite a long time to reach, cuz we took the wrong turning the first time. So, yeah..we reached. Went up the lift, went to his room. At first, when i walked in the door, i saw an old man, he looked quite strong but he didn't look like how i remembered him. But instead, he pointed to another bed. Surprised, i looked at where he pointed. And then, i saw. I saw my uncle. He had shrinked due to the fact that he couldn't eat as his stomach refuses to take in any food. His skin was all wrinkled up. He slept with his mouth slight opened. I couldn't believe it. No..this can't be happening..i wanted to walk there..but my feet was stucked to the ground, i froze at that spot.

I saw my cousin sister coming in view. She looked weary and she looked haggard. I felt as if someone just squeezed my heart. Everything inside me was churning. I wanted to scream and run away. As if this was a bad nightmare, but it isn't. This uncle, who taught me chinese since i was small, was lying here, in this white room, filled with the smell of anesthetic, on a white bed. I felt tears welling up, but i don't want to cry. No tin front od everyone, and then, my cousin sis woke him up. He looked up and gave me a toothy grin(he lost a few teeth). I smiled back. in my heart, i hope this was really a nightmare. But, i know, no use denying the fact when i know it is true. And then, i smelled ...something.he wetted his pants again. And as soon as they were gettin ready to clean him up, me and my sis walked out. I walked out cuz i didn't want the uncle to feel embarrassed. But my sis couldn't bear the stench. I could, and i would help if i could, but, yeah..its not such a good idea. And while they were cleaning him up, i couldn't bear it any longer. I walked out of the ward, and walked along the corridoors. There, i faced the window and cried. I couldn't believe this was happening. I only hope this is not going to turn out like my cousin bro. I stopped crying whenever somebody passed by. next, i know that crying won't help my cousin sis, i went to the latrine and slashed some water to my face. Smiling at the mirror(LOL!!) i went out. It was the least i could do, being cheerful. Cuz what she needs now is support. And i want to help. So i walked back in with a little skip and hop here and there. But from my sis face, i could tell that she knows i've been crying. But if she knew, she showed no sign of it. And i was grateful for that.

I looked at my cousin sis, she was so weary and haggard. But she still do what a daughter should do. She's taking care of her dad. Suddenly, i felt that, what i've been feeling lately stand no chance to fight with hers. She had to take care of so many things all at once. But me, exam exam and exam. SO what? Exam's not a big deal. I know. SO what if the relationship doesn't work out? But it means a lot to me, So i'm taking back the ''so what if the relationship doesn't work out". but sometimes, i don't know why i struggle so hard. To me, it looks like he doesn't give a damn about it. But i want this to work out, not just end like this. Okay, way out of topic. Ha..um..yeah, that's just about my day. I went home around 8 and just had a hot drink.. chatted for a while..then start studying cuz someone wants to sleep. So i studied around 11 something to 12..then went to sleep. Immediately, i fell asleep. I don't need to toss and turn around for hours only falling asleep.

SO anyway, i have exam today too. LOL. MOm's school is having a holiday, so she went to help out in the hospital. I hope i could go..but, some things are holding me back. EXAMS!!.

BYEE!!=)

April Fool's day. LOL.

yeah, well..i'm kinda busy studying these few days so i didn't exactly blog on the exact day of april fool. LOL. So, today,i was supposed to bring my caligraphy things , but in the end? I forgotten!! OH shit!! Then, while i was on the day to school , somebody asked me, did you bring caligraphy things? And then i was like, OMG!! I didn't bring it!! SHIT!! and everybody heard me saying shit. =.= oops.

then ran into school . yeah, RAN. Found cheeching and asked her, did she bring her caligraphy things? As usual, she didn't. Why as usual? Cuz last year, she never brought except for the last time of exam. LOL. So,she went to buy, and i bought the ink and borrowed the writing pen from SuetZhi. And i thought , problem solved. Oh well, little did i know. So, while we were having exam, i started to write and out of the blue, the head came out of the body. So there were two parts and i was shocked that my mouth opened up. I nearly shouted "HOLY COW" but could do away with the attention, for now. LOL. so i raised my hand and the teacher came , thought i needed more paper, but when i showed her she was like, oh..waddya wanna do? And then i was stunned because she asked..yeah, she's ms yap. not 'somebody'. If its 'somebody', she sure as hell won't give a damn about it. LOL. SO in the end borrowed. When the exam finished, some ppl told me,

WAH!! YOUR PEN PLAY APRIL FOOL WITH YOU AR? HAHAHA...=.=

haha~~very funny. =.= NOT. yeah i know i'm not being a sport, but i was so nervous that it was a wonder i didn't wet my pants at that spot. LOL! Literally...=.=.and then, i'll just skip everything and let's move on to the weekends.

I went to popular due to the fact that my sis wants to buy some books. LOL. As in, revision books. As i was pretty confident about NOT FAILING ANYTHING IN THIS EXAM, i went to look around in the stories section . A few caught my eye but wasn't really feeling the urge to buy them . And then walked walked walked, guess who i saw? WOO CHUN HONG!! OMG!! I quickly hide behind the shelves and suddenly, saw another sentosarian there. OMG..the whole bookstore full of sentosarians!! then, ran to another place and hide..then keep running around like sorpo playing ''catch catch'' sendiri. Syok sendiri. LOL. in the end, came out of ''hiding''. LAWL. and then, went to look at some books again, this time, i saw... NICHOLAS SPARKS series!! I had to use all the strength i had to keep myself from shouting out ''OH MAI GADDD". LOL. a girl gave me a weird look . i glared back at her using a ''what are you looking at'' glare. LOL.=.=. she just walked away. SAD. haha. SO anyway, i practically dragged my mom to have a look at the books, my mom just told me, okay..choose which one you want. And i chose..yeah, how can a mom bare to refuse her own baby daughter...XD. haha..in the end, my sickness came back. I can't make a decision, my mom told me to buy every of his book if i have to, but, i didn't want to buy so much at that time, cuz, i know that i'm gonna neglect my school work and read until i drop . LOL. So, i bought his "Message In A Bottle" and " A Bend In The Road" . And then, i spent so much time choosing the most perfect one, without scratches and stuff, but the worker! SHe just opened the book so big!! I nearly cried at the spot! Yeah, i'm a cry baby. So what? =.= And then, i just walk off..and being in a VERY bad mood on the way home. Mom didn't really talk about it. Until we reached home. MOm was telling dad about what happened and i just cried. Yeah, you heard me right, i just cried. SAt down and cried. Mom and dad comfort me but my sis just said, crazy..==''. I didn't want to talk to her, she always did that to me. LOL. End of story, i can't talk about it anymore, i'll get pissed off again and cry. LOL.

So yeah..that's the end, of the story..=) or blog..=.=.. or post. =.="!
Byee..=]

Exams.. are driving me nuts. Gahh.

Okay, first, i'm gonna apologize for leaving moi blog dead without 2 seconds notice. LOL. Nah, i'm just kidding. So anyway , took advantage to online this morning as I felt it was a really good day to online (despite the fact that i have to memorise the stupid moral nilai's) so anyway, um..i'll just start with what happened yesterday , okay.. so.. we had chinese paper 1 and moral yesterday . Skip skip skip.. we finished chinese exam (FINALLY!) yeah, well..i'm not gonna say I THINK i'm gonna fail..cuz i probably won't , the least is i'll get "not-very-good-marks" that's all. LOL. And so it rained during recess, no need tugas SR, tugas kelas, but where i go? Pergi cari kawan pula. SO chatted with chee ching and phuiyeng, then pulled a trick on siao suan. It went like this , she walked past me , so i just slapped her butt , then she turned but she can't see anyone, and by chance, yuen chang yoong walked past. You guys should have really seen their expression , the way their expression change is priceless. OMG!! I was laughing like hell and yuen chang yoong was busy explaining that it wasn't him that did it. OMg!! It was so funny!! And then, there was no eletricity. Walao..i was on the edge on losing my temper.. Yeah, i don't know why, but everytime i come back from tugas, very hot, no wind? I feel like standing up and getting on ppl's nerve, LOL. So anyway, i keep telling myself心静自然凉. But, apparently, it doesn't do much help. GAhh.

So i tried to calm myself by reading "Dear John" instead of the stupid moral nilai's that might probably set me off and i'll just explode. LOL. Yeah, it did help. Amamzing what books can do , huh? MOving on, while i was indulged in reading this fascinating book, (=.=) the person in front of me(yeo kee gim) turned and told me ,

yeo: 应该不用考试了。
me: 琢磨？
yeo: 都没有电。
me: 吓？！！酱都给你讲到！
yeo: 是嘛，看老师手上都没有考卷。。。
me: 是咩？你不要逃避现实啦。。现在暴风雨他都要你坐在这边考啦！
yeo: 不懂哦，希望不要囖。。。
me: *LMAO！！

In the end, still need to exam. Gahh.. "don't avoid the truth larh." LOL. anyway, finished this, he turned and told me again,

yeo: 希望现在有电啦。。很热哩。。
me: OMG，好希望不希望，现在希望有电？好笑，你不希望我们考试的时候有电不是跟好？咋 到！
yeo: 哦，酱希望明天啦。。。
me: *甘拜下风。。

LOL.don't know if today we're gonna have to take exam . Haha! Just kidding, even if there's an earthquake, i'll bet they still want us to menduduki exam . GAhh!!