School day: Monday

I'm afraid of walking alone. I want you by my side.

Another week has gone pass. The feelings haven't subside. I wonder how long will it take me to FULLY recover. I eat normally now. (i'm eating and typing at the moment, normal?==") and i do sleep now. Honestly, but i always wake up at 5 o'clock. Why? I have absolutely no idea. Gosh, its killing me to see myself nowadays. I look terrible. My eye bags are getting worse, i'm having black eyes too. Like a panda girl. Geez, no wonder i hate looking into mirrors nowadays. Well, i was never a big fan of mirrors. So yeah. You get the picture. =.=

Anyway, just brief you guys about my week last week, and probably yesterday. Okay, this was...i think last last last week stuffs. We (min yu, yinglee, yonghan and me) were playing Truth or Truth because well, the teacher was a crazy "OWL" who says I all the time. Know who? Yes? Good. Haha. So while we were playing, the tension was quite thick. Haha. Not exactly, just that, we were very serious. Even Min yu is serious. Wow. I never thought i'd live to see the day he was serious. XD oops. And so, skip skip skip, they asked me who i liked and i told them. LOL. i'm clever enough. So, those who know i'm clever will know what i said. LOL !! And later, Our BELOVED DANIEL LING came back!!! AHHH!!! LOL. And then yonghan told him what questions we asked. And all of us promised that what is said cannot be repeated to other people. so blah blah blah. Daniel keep asking me who i like, and i didn't want to tell him, cuz its gonna be the hottest gossip of the universe (i think). LOL! nah, just kidding. So i kept giving him clues and later he ask is it this block..then i hesitated and said, yes. Then it was like he wanted to ask more, but i said, HEY, THAT'S A HUGE CLUE. and then Woo CHun Hong said,

"wAhh, huge clue weihs, huge clue, wah 英文哩。。wah..ehh, 什么是huge clue?"( he asked the person beside him.)

OMGGG!!! ROFLMAO!! hahahaha. and then another thing, ying lee and i were talking about ''somebody'' who betrayed her friend, (LOL)! and then i told ying lee something that she reacted quite...well. You know what, so she said, (PN LAU WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF US)

"yerh! 酱坏的她！如果是我，我早就一巴盖下去了！！"

and then the teacher stared at us. I snorted and began to laugh. Ying lee looked horrified and said, ''sorry teacher sorry teacher...." omggg!!!! it was so damn funny!! but the teacher didn't say anything..she just raised an eyebrow and walked away. Ohmyholygosh..haha!! It happened on a thursday i remember. Haha.

Nothing really happened yesterday. All i can remember is the time when he looked at me. I keep replaying the scene when our eyes met. I tried to focus on the things teacher was saying, alas, i lost myself again. Gahh. It just hurts me to know that he's the one who turns away always. And now, i have to turn away before he turns, because i can't bear it when he's the one who turns away first. T.T

So anyway, i hope you've enjoyed my post. LOL. even though it was quite boring i suppose. I'll try to be more myself, so i could bring joy and laughter in class. HAha.Byee!! =)

24th of April. Busy day.

Guess who?! XD Hey guys, rmb the joke?? haha!


Its the birthday girl!! Tadaa!!! XD


Me feeding her. LOL.

LOL!

Now this, when i was setting the timer, all of them were nibbling it. OMgg!! caught ya!! haha!

I ran so fast to my place that i thought i ran faster than lightning. HAHA!

I took the 1st and tried. Its like a round mini chocolate cake. =P

LOL. only melanie ada makan. XD

they help us take, we help them take. haha!

Shoot #1

Shoot #2 . haha.

YOu know, while taking this pic, 3 of us were sucking up the water together. haha!

then 3 of them. see?? siao suan and mel so good, get to drink so many times. ahaha!!!

Me and the birthday girl. XD

3 of us, cheeching just add in. HAHA! funny!!

Okay, to start this...this..WONDERFUL day, I went to school as we had cross-country race. Melanie they all didn't go, so that left me alone. GAHH. LOL. Anyways, i had to drag myself up and before i took the first step, i banged into the wall. Gee, it really is a wonderful way to start the day. =.= OKay okay, to shorten the whole story, the end. Haha, nah, i'm just fooling around. Um.. okay, i reached school, saw Selena and she said she wanted to find Pn Toh. Okay, so i just let her go and i went to Bilik Pandu. WHY? because i brought my phone. LOL. its not exactly illegal, its just that we weren't encouraged to bring it. But anyway, when i was on the way, i saw him. But i pretended that we were just strangers walking past each other. =.= Later that, i was given the duty to carry boxes of water to give out to the students. LOL. Finish that, we sat there and wait. For the people to come back. ==".

Saw him countless times, tried to breathe deeply, but in the end, i forgot how to breathe again. Oh man. But whatever. Later when the crowds start coming back, i was busy handing out the water bottles. I didn't see him come back, and then when i turned my head, i saw him panting. Well, good to know that he's back. I kept on giving out waters, and then i only realize someone was stalking me. I went to the crowds and fit in. LOL. Later, tried to play a fool on my sis, little did i know, he was there. Oh well. You will notice that this whole post is nearly about him.. well, because, nothing. Just playing a fool. =.= Its just that i can't help looking for him, whenever he is not near me. Oh whatever. Later, really saw him LOADS OF times, even sometimes just standing in front of me. GAhh. =.= then, okay, giving out prizes, he got a prize too. congratz. =P

Later, my sis they all wanted to go to pizza hut for a pandu meeting. its about our pameran. LOL. skip skip skip. before we went, we waited for vivian to change to a t shirt. While waiting, i entertained myself by playing Lor Jian Sheng's phone. The racing car game . That's so fun. LOL. but i keep losing. LOL.=.= but whatever. Vivian came out, so we walked out of the school. Okay okay, then while we were passing the jambatan...saw someone..was being 38 too..=.= skip skip skip.finally reached, saw andrew they all there. LOL. Bock and kahyee too. Then, mom came and fetch me because i had another event to attend. So went home, bathe and stuff. Bla bla bla. 1.30p.m went out again. LOL. TO?? CHEE CHING'S BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!! =)

Reached 100 degree(100度). LOL Just beside paparich. WALAO. i so scared later XXX come out beat me. haha, LOL anyway, sat down and 38 a while only that Melanie come. =.= so we start to order and all those. Later when out soup all come then Melanie went out. Dunno do what lehh?? HOR??=.= anyway, our food came out. and we were not at all ladylike, all of us took banyak banyak food. Then when Melanie came back..Oops. nothing to makan. HAHA! No la, just not much varirety to choose from. omgg! so damn funny!! haha. so anyway, while i was cooking halfway, um...my soup was half porridge ,so...it got burnt. HAHA. omgg..that time we were laughing our heads off about it! but nevermind, that person changed it for me. so after we eat finish, we brought out the cake!!! And then we sang happy birthday song to cheeching. Who cares what people think of us. WE ARE THE WORLD~~ lol. okay, cut the crap. After blowing candle, all of fed her a mouth of cake. I wanted her to eat the chocolate part of the cake. haha!LOL . then...took pictures. XD haha! Around 4 o'clock, i had to go because i had music class. Music class was okay, just that probably i was thinking too much and mixed up all my songs. Gahh. =.=

That's the end of the day!! =) thank you for ''listening''!! XD

End of the week. Thank GOD!!! =.=

Well , its been a week . And amazingly , i've survived . LOL. It is hard, but I'd gone through it. And i thought i would never recover from being ''LOVE SICK''. Gahh.. =.= though i still have trouble sleeping (and i'm having eye bags!! T.T) but, i could eat now.

To make this post interesting, i've got some things to tell you guys. Um, this week, loads of things happened. 2 guys ask me to accept them at the same time. I told one of them i can't, so that's that. Hope he gave up *please please please . The OTHER one, well, quite a hard nut. =.= He asked me if i was single. And i said yes, single but unavailable. Whatever. I thought he would go away, little did i know, he sticked like a leech to me. =.= gahh! and what happened today was, when i finish tugas and grabbed my bag from BP, and i went back class, i saw something on my table. =.= it was in black big fonts. like this:

JOAN, I LOVE YOU.

I was honestly stunned. ARGHH!!!! Ohmygoodness!! GOD BLESS ME!!! =.=i honestly have a big fan. And everyone in class was teasing me about it. =.= And and and, that ''somebody'' told everyone!!!! OH my GOSH. anyway, gotta go, tell you guys more about it next time! =) =.=LOOL!!!

The 5th day I've survived without him.

Its been 5 days. We didn't sms. We didn't see each other. Wait, i did see him yesterday. LOL. I wanted to go over and ask, why did you do that? I wanted to believe that all of it was just a bad nightmare. But when i look back, the visions are so vivid. I'd shiver at the thoughts, when i flash back to the old memories, i hated myself. I hated myself for falling for you. I hated myself believing you were the one. I hated myself for being too truthful. Maybe people were right, when it comes to love, some things are better kept as secret than said out loud. You hurt me 2 times. But still, i love you. Everyday when i come to school, i pray that you'll never see me. But i wish that i could see you.

To tell the truth, yesterday, wednesday, when all of his friends came into BP, i honestly thought he was coming in too. I was thinking should i run out in case he came in, but i figured that we would see each other if i went out. So instead, i ran over to karhoe's side and plead him to tell me what to do. Kar hoe said he saw him walked past. I was devastated. Part of me wanted to go out and tell him, its okay, don't live with regrets. Part of me, were thankful that he didn't come in. Later, i couldn't take it anymore, so i went out to get some fresh air. When i walked pass his friends, they were saying your name. Everytime they said your name, it was like a knife cutting my heart, but i ignored them. I walked quite a distance, and i walked back. I thought they'd all go back to class. I didn't know that he would be there. But i walked in anyway, and sat down. That's when i couldn't take it any longer. I cried for a long time. I didn't want to cry, but i can't help it. I think karhoe was the only one who understood my feelings, because he went through this too. Nicholas they all were fooling around, thanks to them, i felt better too. Yinglee came in later, the juniors told her what happened inside here. GAHH. thanks to them. But she didn't say anything. But later when i felt like crying again, she begged me not to cry. Haha.

Later, we went for taklimat, i saw him. Again. And felt like crying, again. Oh gawd, but i didn't want to cry. Ji qing saw a few tears and tried to distract me. LAter i was quite myself again. All of us pengawas were 38-ing. We played all kinds of games. Like, when we clap all of us clap once and just like domino. I don't think you understand what i say because i don't know how to explain. LOL. And then, we played some stuffs too. Kar yi did a funny thing, cuz yi cheng was holding a something-like-fishing-stick thingy that he made himself. And I suppose Kar yi was in a bad mood, so she tore the thing into pieces. OMGG!!! It was so funny. Haha. I didn't look at him at all. Cuz i knew i would cry again. and and and when my enemy went to get her prize, boy! wasn't she proud! i even waved to her. haha. but she didn't see me. Too BAD. XD Oh oh oh, the funny part was when we were suppose to sing the national song, all of us sang. VERY LOUD. and its those wrong key and couldn't stay on key type. Hahahahahaha!

Well, nothing exciting happened. Except when we were having PJ i ask my wife-in-law beli water untuk saya. =.= cuz that time i bo lui and i'm thirsty. My wife-in-law sangat bagus lor. haha. But after he buy, he take the bottle and run, so what can i do? chase him lor. I scared his gf nampak lehh.. later she suruh orang pukul saya. aiyerrh. =.= then he give me the bottle. Phew. fast fast open and drink. Later, someone dared me to ask someone's name(somebody i dunno). LOL. Easy job. =.= muahaha.

I'm going to an Easter Party this weekend. Maybe i'll get to meet new guys and...well..maybe move on. LOL. someone just ask me am i single. You know what i said? I said, single but unavailable. haha. Kinda funny eh? LOL. Yea well, its true. Sigh sigh sigh. Wake up joan, you gotta live your life. You can't just keep on thinking about him. Honestly, he doesn't want you, he dumped you, you should hate him. I know, i wonder why i don't hate him too. T.T maybe its because i can't, not because i don't want. I could have loved him all my life if he hadn't left me in the cold. Nicholas told me, joan, you're not 15 yet, so when people tell you they love you don't believe them. SO does it mean, that when he said i love you these 3 words, he never meant it?

100th post.

I've finally reached my 100th post. I'm suppose to be happy, aren't i? Why can't i be like a normal person and just get over it? Why do i have to suffer so long? Why can't i just be a playgirl who just switches according to the environment? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SUCH A WEAKLING?!

I've spent 3 sleepless nights. I don't have the appetite of eating, whenever i eat, its just for the sake of putting on a show and say i'm normal. I don't know what's happening to me. Everynight i have nightmares, everynight if i have to sleep i have to cry myself to sleep. I've completely lost myself, i try to occupy myself by doing loads of things , but whenever i look at my phone, i missed everything. I know i promised to be a brave girl, but i can't help it when the tears start flowing. I am trying, i really am. I went to help out at our pandu gotong royong with the scouts, i tried to make myself imprint on one of them. But, somehow, like i said, although there were some who were cute, but why can't i just ,''Oh, he's cute, i like him," and then ask him out?(as in, asking for hp number)=.=! I honestly don't know what to think anymore.

I'm afraid of going mad. Everynight, i'm afraid something might happen to me. Everynight, my bedsheets and pillow case are wet. LIke i said, i've lost myself. I've never thought about how i would die, but, what would happen if i went? I wanted to see the world, i wanted to help the world,if i'd gone, i'd only see the world through other things.

My memories were all gone. I can't believe that you just deleted it. But its your blog, i can't say anything. Probably its the best way to let me forget huh? But why? Why did u have to ask ''her'' to help me forget you? I said i would didn't i? Why did you have to do that? I guess this means whatever we had was nothing to you. It was just all a show of toying with my feelings and then throw me away? Like i said, i'm disappointed in you. But i don't want you to live your life full of regrets. Just because of this small thing in your life. You read my blog, you should know what i want from you. Just be happy, just smile..even though when you don't want to, just let me see you smile kay? Let me know, i've done the right choice in trying to let go. That you're happier this way. for me? Please, that's all i ask of you. Thank you. you promise me that, i'll promise you something:

I'll forget you. I'll forget our past. I'll forget everything. Happy?

Deal.

Its over.

I didn't sleep at all last night.
I cried all night.
My eyes hurt.
I dunno whether to accept him.

I hate you,
but love you at the same time.
I don't know whether i want to see you anymore.
I don't want to go to school anymore.

I hate my life.
I'm tired of it.
But i'll still wait.
Although i'm not sure whether u'll change ur feelings again,
but i will wait.
Until f5, u said that. A promise is a promise.
Even though u broke the promise,
I'll keep MY promise.
tHAT'S all.

Byee. =(

It doesn't matter anymore.

You've broke all your promises.

You've broke my heart.

You destroyed everything.

You destroyed my world.

but, in the end?

I still love you.

WHY?!!

I hate you!! I hate you for making me love you!! I hate you for making me hurt so bad! I hate you for making me worry all the time !! I hate you because you're such a coward!! I HATE YOU!

I know i promised to be a brave girl, but i won't promise that i won't be sad. So i'll just cry, and let it all pass. Just like you said, but in the end, I know, what we had, you never really cared right? If you did, text me and say you DID!