Its been 5 days. We didn't sms. We didn't see each other. Wait, i did see him yesterday. LOL. I wanted to go over and ask, why did you do that? I wanted to believe that all of it was just a bad nightmare. But when i look back, the visions are so vivid. I'd shiver at the thoughts, when i flash back to the old memories, i hated myself. I hated myself for falling for you. I hated myself believing you were the one. I hated myself for being too truthful. Maybe people were right, when it comes to love, some things are better kept as secret than said out loud. You hurt me 2 times. But still, i love you. Everyday when i come to school, i pray that you'll never see me. But i wish that i could see you.
To tell the truth, yesterday, wednesday, when all of his friends came into BP, i honestly thought he was coming in too. I was thinking should i run out in case he came in, but i figured that we would see each other if i went out. So instead, i ran over to karhoe's side and plead him to tell me what to do. Kar hoe said he saw him walked past. I was devastated. Part of me wanted to go out and tell him, its okay, don't live with regrets. Part of me, were thankful that he didn't come in. Later, i couldn't take it anymore, so i went out to get some fresh air. When i walked pass his friends, they were saying your name. Everytime they said your name, it was like a knife cutting my heart, but i ignored them. I walked quite a distance, and i walked back. I thought they'd all go back to class. I didn't know that he would be there. But i walked in anyway, and sat down. That's when i couldn't take it any longer. I cried for a long time. I didn't want to cry, but i can't help it. I think karhoe was the only one who understood my feelings, because he went through this too. Nicholas they all were fooling around, thanks to them, i felt better too. Yinglee came in later, the juniors told her what happened inside here. GAHH. thanks to them. But she didn't say anything. But later when i felt like crying again, she begged me not to cry. Haha.
Later, we went for taklimat, i saw him. Again. And felt like crying, again. Oh gawd, but i didn't want to cry. Ji qing saw a few tears and tried to distract me. LAter i was quite myself again. All of us pengawas were 38-ing. We played all kinds of games. Like, when we clap all of us clap once and just like domino. I don't think you understand what i say because i don't know how to explain. LOL. And then, we played some stuffs too. Kar yi did a funny thing, cuz yi cheng was holding a something-like-fishing-stick thingy that he made himself. And I suppose Kar yi was in a bad mood, so she tore the thing into pieces. OMGG!!! It was so funny. Haha. I didn't look at him at all. Cuz i knew i would cry again. and and and when my enemy went to get her prize, boy! wasn't she proud! i even waved to her. haha. but she didn't see me. Too BAD. XD Oh oh oh, the funny part was when we were suppose to sing the national song, all of us sang. VERY LOUD. and its those wrong key and couldn't stay on key type. Hahahahahaha!
Well, nothing exciting happened. Except when we were having PJ i ask my wife-in-law beli water untuk saya. =.= cuz that time i bo lui and i'm thirsty. My wife-in-law sangat bagus lor. haha. But after he buy, he take the bottle and run, so what can i do? chase him lor. I scared his gf nampak lehh.. later she suruh orang pukul saya. aiyerrh. =.= then he give me the bottle. Phew. fast fast open and drink. Later, someone dared me to ask someone's name(somebody i dunno). LOL. Easy job. =.= muahaha.
I'm going to an Easter Party this weekend. Maybe i'll get to meet new guys and...well..maybe move on. LOL. someone just ask me am i single. You know what i said? I said, single but unavailable. haha. Kinda funny eh? LOL. Yea well, its true. Sigh sigh sigh. Wake up joan, you gotta live your life. You can't just keep on thinking about him. Honestly, he doesn't want you, he dumped you, you should hate him. I know, i wonder why i don't hate him too. T.T maybe its because i can't, not because i don't want. I could have loved him all my life if he hadn't left me in the cold. Nicholas told me, joan, you're not 15 yet, so when people tell you they love you don't believe them. SO does it mean, that when he said i love you these 3 words, he never meant it?
