You Are What You Make Of Yourself.

Life is full of colours. You have your pick of M&Ns. ;D

Actually, I meant to write this for my friend. LOL.

Hey, um... i know lately you are kinda relying on someone. And i really want you to know that he's a good guy. You know who i'm talking about. I know, that's he has touched your wounds inside. I've noticed that whenever you talk about him, you always smile, i'm happy for you. And yeah, i know you don't want anybody to get hurt anymore. You're a kind girl, you'd rather you get hurt yourself and you don't want anybody getting hurt because of you. But that's just it, you can't make it that way. And i can see that you're stuggling. You are touched by him, but you're afraid. I know how you feel. You don't want a relationship, but you want him to stand by your side, be with you through your ups and downs, support you in everything you do, and.... feeling all protective around you. I know, i understand. Okay, maybe not very precise, but... still, we're both girls, we know how a girl feels right? And i know that's what he feels for you. I'm not asking you to accept him, and i know, you wanna focus, i'm just telling you to take it easy. Not easy, i know. LOL. anyway, he might always wait for you, then again, he might not. But, just so you know, i will always love you, even though we've only known each other for like... what? One year? And i really think God forgotten to give you as my sibling, so he sent you as my best friend instead. XD Love ya.

I know,

.

That's my point.

There is no such thing as in recovering fully in love, you might recover, but there will always be a crack.

Lately i haven't been blogging much i know. Well, i've decided to study starting from now. ;D Aww, come on, wipe that face off, i know your eyes must be bulging out of their sockets to know that i've started studying. And so, erm... well, i kind of feel tired of everything lately. Amazing what studying can do huh?

Anyway, i have a question, so i hope some can answer me, but what is trust? Is it something you must have in daily life? I noticed that we've been fighting/argueing a lot. But i feel like you're unhappy with me about some things. I don't know what you want me to do. He is only my best friend, and does that issue bother you so much? Does it matter to you? You just don't get it. Even though you told me that you trust me, i find it hard to believe you. Maybe, i'm over sensitive, but i'm not stupid. I know you, when you're angry, you tend to have this "whatever" attitude. And why is it so hard to trust me?

To be honest, when you said you can't accept that, i was so shocked. You can't imagine how it feels like, its like you were walking along the street minding your own business and suddenly an airplane lands right in front of you. All along you said you were fine and then now you tell me its not fine? Are you trying to kill me? =.=" You guys might be equally important to me, but its not the same. He's like my bro, you... its a whole different case.

When i see you, i'm almost afraid to look at you. I don't dare to look into your eyes, cuz i'm afraid that you might see my weakness. And you can't imagine how fast my heart beats when i see you, sometimes i swear that my heart stopped for that second. You don't know that's how i feel don't you? When i'm near you, i'm afraid to breathe, i'm afraid that you will hear my heart beating. And when i see you, its as if butterflies were flying in my stomach and this knot just can't ever be removed.

That's all I have to say.

Love is metaphysical gravity. ♥

You really have absolutely no idea. :X

Today, i was getting all grumpy and bad tempered because of some minor stuffs. Yeah, i am bad tempered. So anyway, i was going on and on about how other people and their siblings cope with each other and using other people siblings to compare with my sis to my mom. And when i was halfway through a sentence, my mom told me, you know, you don't hate your sister so much, its just that you're being bad-tempered now and really wanna let go. I understand, but you really don't mean it. And even though you are going to fight back and tell me "As a matter of fact, I DO mean it." You really don't mean it. Oh well.

And then i calmed down and thought, my mom's right, I don't mean it. I'm happy with my sister although sometimes we grit our teeth and feel like we wanna rip out each other heads just to get even. But that's the whole point isn't it? Siblings are meant to fight, and later hug each to make it up. Siblings are meant to talk about everything and stay up late just to talk about it. There isn't any way to cut this bond between family.

And i know, often some would say, " OHH! that lucky bitch! How i wish i were her !" well, you really don't wanna be her because she's a bitch as you just said. And comparing your life, your special-in-every-way-life, with someone who, perhaps you barely know, isn't worth it. Because you just DON'T KNOW what that person's been through. For all you know, that person may be a person with leukemia or aids, but they look so healthy. Yeah, when you're them, perhaps you'll think back, maybe being myself is the best. And this is the part, where you moan and groan and throw a humoungous tantrum and everybody you love gets hurt. Whoa, if you did that, congrats, you are so brilliant.

You have to know, if God made us all different, it means we were all meant to do different things. I'm sure this has happened many times, when you hope for this something, you got another thing instead. And later, you were furious and was thinking about flinging yourself off the highest floor. Well, don't even bother to think about it, it doesn't help. NOT that i've tried it before. -,- And next, you were so happy that you got this instead and it was at good purpose. Has that ever happened before? I'm sure it has. So, you see, everything happens for a REASON. Things may not come in the way that you expected it, but in a different way, that perhaps, changed you, or your point of view.

When i was small, i wanted a barbie doll every year for my birthday. Of course, that never happened. But, i got this barbie doll during one of my birthdays. My sister already has one, so i've been "harassing" my mom to get one for me. And she did, so i treasured the barbie doll and took really great care of it. And its still in good shape till now. Yes, i'm still keeping it. Shush. :X And the next year, i HOPED that she would get another one for me. But sadly, i didn't get anything for my birthday, or did i ? I've forgotten. But i remembered, i went to New Zealand and met my aunt's friends there, one of them gave me a book, and i still have it till now. It was this, TOY STORY BOOK, that led me to my current favourite activity, i suppose you should know. Reading.

Weird isn't it, how things work? It's fascinating to me. Absolutely mind-boggling. Explosive mind-booming. PHEW. I started to accept things they are now, like, i was trying to feed a bird that came into my garden but when i was reaching it, it flew away. =.=" i reckon it thinks i'm gonna catch it and torture it. I don't blame it. This means the bird is really smart to know what humans are thinking, NOT that i'm thinking about it. So anyway, this is what i have to say only. Good day people. ;D

And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Yes, agree to disagree. ;)

Okay, first things first, i'm really sorry for not updating my blog. Its kinda impossible for me to use the computer nowadays, let alone go on net. Why? Because my house is currently on renovation, and i've practically brought all these electrical devices into my pig-sty room. And because the only thing that can entertain me is my cell phone, i've been using it quite a lot, so the battery runs out at an incredible speed. -,- Trust me, i've been gritting my teeth over this issue.

So anyway, i just felt like blogging today because... well.. i'm not sure. I feel like lately, i'm always so edgy, and i tend to fight back. The urge of winning is stronger than anything. Yes, i do wonder if something is wrong with me. I get so worked up on small matters and get jumpy with everything. For instance, yesterday... i saw something that bothered me quite annoyingly, i was irritated. But i kept on telling myself. He's just being friendly. No biggie. But in the end, it got to me. I won't deny it, yes, i was angry. I was uncomfortable. I wasn't feeling safe. But most important,i'm afraid. Of what, i don't know. How many times had i been assured that i won't be alone, that i don't need to worry? I know, perhaps if i'm thinking this way, it means i have no faith. Yes, i do admit, perhaps i have been so close to him that i did not care about how you REALLY feel, i shrugged away any feeling that you wouldn't feel uncomfortable, thinking that you would understand it. But perhaps i was wrong, as always.

The whole point of this post, is i don't know too. Maybe i wanted to get things straight. That yes, i love him. But as a friend, a very good friend, my best friend. And it ends there. Whatever your friends say, i don't care, and i hope you don't care too. I just want you to know, whatever happened yesterday, it was mostly my fault. I was narrow-minded. My mood swings are terrible and i suck at self-control. I didn't want to admit that MAYBE you were right, i wanted to win, i guess. Its two different case. I was hoping that maybe you would get tired of me and just leave me, so i can have a reason to cry without seeming like a cry-baby. But no, you were always so patient. So caring, although you're not really perfect, but to me, its these imperfections that made you so perfect that for the briefest moment, i thought you were perhaps a guardian angel sent from God. Which made me so mad at you. Pretty ironic huh? Yeah, i know, i'm this idiotic fool who doesn't know what she has. Sweelynn told me countless times that she envied me that i got someone like you. Wow, if you're reading this, you must be silently laughing to yourself. ;D i know you are. Ahaha. ;)

So i just wanna end this post, to let you know, thanks for understanding me. For tolerating my barely tolerable attitude. Gosh, what did i do to deserve someone like you. XD

Hey people, i know its been a long time since i blogged. Well, i've decided to turn over a new leaf, and study hard for the coming exam. Whoa, shocked? Yeah, shocking news happen in your everyday life. Not to worry too much about it though, I'm PURRR-FECTLY fine. ;D thanks for your concern!! ( Perasan. )

Saturday.

Anyway, nothing interesting happened. Really. Just that i chat with an old classmate of mine last saturday. I printscreen these while we were chatting through webcam, haha, shh~ he doesn't know. :D We played Checkers and Uno. It was really fun, gosh, i didn't know it was so fun. LOL.

Today.

We had debate competition. Gosh. -,- I don't think we did VERY well. We were really....=.= Our oppposing team was really good. When they shot all the questions over, i think my jaws drop. But i think i managed to close them just in time before a fly went in. -,- ARGH!! When i finish my speech, i wrote loads of things on a piece of paper. And they were all repeated words

GG

GG

GG

GG

GG

GG

GG

GG

GG

GG

But i pretended to be writing some SERIOUS stuffs. LOL. -,- I'm really a good actor right? HAHA. LOL. -,-

So yeah, in the end, we won, and our opposing team has a good attitude, not like some teams who get so worked up . -,- I mean, i kept on getting ready to lose. Guess i really wasn't confident then. But anyway, after that, one of the members of our opposing team came to tell us that if we needed help on our next competition. You bet we do. She is the one that made us all panic. Gosh. -,- She was saying everything so fast that i can't really catch what she said. LOL. -,- But anyway, it was a good match, everyone wanted to see because of Ke Ten. She was the best ''debater'' in the whole competition. I totally agree. LOL.

And i gotta go now, mom really get's worked up when i don't do what she sayd immediately. BYee! ;D

Oh Crap.

Oh Crap. I am really so dead. God, why did you do this? Okay, maybe You did this for a reason, and i don't know what. But God, if You know that a miracle is going to happen, God, let your will be done. I really, leave everything into Your hands. So dear God, You gotta help me. Kay?

And Mother Mary, please mom, please protect me. -,- I'm such a weakling so you gotta protect your daughter mom. -,- No parents can stand there watching their own child get hurt right? So mom, you really gotta help me.

And my guardian angel, i know you will be beside me, guiding me through everything. And if you think i'm gonna explode, you gotta help me calm down. If not, things will really turn out worse. -,- PLEASE? Friends dont leave friends to die. -,- LOL!

Dear GOd, i say this in your precious name, AMEN. -,-

How can this happen?

Yeah, exactly, just turn the page joan, you'll get on again.

Why do i feel so down? Why should i even care? I mean, its over right? Gosh. Look at me, pathetic, i'm using my blog to listen to myself talk. I thought i'd let go, but it seems like, i haven't been able to put it down? But why was i so sure in the first place i'd let go? -,- even if i did, why is there such a stupid feeling on my chest? Gosh, i'm really gonna go insane. -,-

I suppose , this is what everyone would feel when they.. well, you know. But, i'm suppose to have let go. -,- Gosh. I don't know what should i do. I know, that i don't feel that way anymore, but... no matter how, there was a once. ARGH. i don't wanna care. I'm so tired. -,-