I was complaining to sweelynn again. And she was really starting to get impatient.. i can tell.. But,she really calmed down..and asked me to calm down. LOL. I couldn't really wrap my head around things. WHy do guys actually like to get on girls nerve? I mean, okay...i don't know if these usually happen between couples or what...but, okay..we're not a couple. First things first. But, we always bicker over some things! REally stupid things. I don't know why. Mel and sweelynn say they bicker with they're dot dot dot too! But, as in.. those cuddly couple way..that is, sweelynn only. I don't know about Mel, but i'm pretty sure they do it maturely. LOL. But, when i say,bicker..okay..maybe bicker isn't the right word. Its should be, quarrelling. Yeah, we quarrell all the time. Its like, we completely stopped trusting each other. I find it hard to believe him..(is it because of what his friends say?) and he finds it hard to believe me too. Well, not exactly..he trusts me with this BIG secret...and, deep down, i'm glad he shared this with me. But, he was like, please don't tell your friends bla bla bla.. okay, fine i zip my mouth. So going back a little, we can't exactly trust each other. But, i know i still love him. I truly love him. Is it going to end just like that? I don't really want it to be like that.. i want it to be...perfect.

Sometimes i would think to myself, after form 5? that's easy. All I have to do is keep the faith. But i've thought about myself only, i never thought about him. what about him? What if i was still deeply , unconditionaly in love with him when he falls for another girl? how am i supposed to live? i tried not to think so negatively, but, i'm not the most prettiest girl in the whole world! there are, gee..how many millions out there who are hotter and gorgeous! (though i wouldn't categorize myself as hot or gorgeous, but in plain looking. LOL) When i was in primary school, i used to think that I would be a nun when i'm grown up. Dating and getting married is so hard!! But, when i started secondary, whoaa. my whole opinion changed. I fell in love, so deeply that no matter how hard i try, i think i would never be saved. I don't really know what's he thinking... if i could, then Edward could read Bella's mind then. Sometimes i feel that, he is...complicated. Everything about him is sophisicated. Its hard to figure him out. Even when we text, the contents of what he says, cannot give me a hint on, whether he is smiling, or he's angry or annoyed..or when he gets my message, what is his reaction? I can't really think straight. Everytime i'm near him, I never dare to breathe. Its like, if we breathe in the same air at the same time, i would vanish. Because I'm in his world now.. I couldn't just leave like that. There were so many things i planned to tell him last time, and i thought, Oh well, that can wait...we have tons of time. Little did i know, because of a misunderstanding, it ended. I remember that day, i was so mad at my dad that i didn't even kiss him goodnight and hug him like i was still his little girl. I guess there were question marks all over his head. And I cried myself to sleep. SOmetimes I thought, if i never became a prefect, we would never be together. If I never went to NZ, this would never happen. If i didn't take a walk with my dad that night, and hear him say those 5 words that got me straight jumping to the conculsion, this would never happen too. If i just kept everything to myself, and told him i loved him as usual every night, things wouldn't be like this now.

SOmetimes, i feel like giving up everything and just drop dead. Why can't i just give up? Life's so hard! But, i realized, without all these little things that happen, life would be miserable and not challenging. But, why can't things work out between me and him? Because its not by chance, its by work. I finally understand this. A relationship is between two people, and both of them must work hard to keep on...if not, it would just be like some ppl who just thought giving up was the easiest solution.

If i could do anything now,I would turn back the time, change the elders thinking, and making the decision of not telling him.

So, that's all for now folks! Byee!

p/s: thanks sweelynn and mel, for the advice. totally appreciate it. Karhoe too, but if things don't work out the way you guys hoped, i'm sorry to disappoint you guys. T.T.

Sincerely,

Joan